Working as a Funeral Celebrant When Living With Grief

Grief is the strongest of all human emotions and something we will all experience. Many who are grieving have to take time off from their employment, education and life commitments as grieving can prevent us from doing the things we do daily. What happens when those working within the funeral industry are grieving?

The role of the funeral celebrant is to help those you are grieving to say goodbye to a loved one through the creation of a life centred ceremony. How do we cope when working as a funeral celebrant when living with grief?

Living With Grief

Grief is experienced when a death occurs, a situation changes or circumstances bring about sorrow. Grief is potentially the only human emotion which both mentally and physically causes pain.

Grief rips a hole in you which will eventually close, but never truly heal.
Grief leaves you feeling empty and looking within as you can’t see what is outside.
Grief takes away your memory, leaving behind sorrow and anxiety.
Grief hasn’t a timeframe and it isn’t reserved for immediately after the end of a life or a situation.
Grief starts at the end of a life, a relationship, a situation or circumstance.
Grief doesn’t require an explanation.

Grief is ageless and timeless.
Grief isn’t reserved for the end of human life only.
Grief shouldn’t be hidden nor ignored.
Grief is an individual experience.
Grief happens to us all.
Grief should be addressed and acknowledged.
Grief is part of human life.
Grief changes your life.

Over time, grief will gradually loosen its tight grip.
Headaches, tears, anxiety, guilt and sleepless nights will fade.
Memories, appetite, smiles and strength will return as grief retreats to the sidelines, always there, but no longer wrapping you in its embrace.

Love sits next to grief, waiting patiently to take over.
Grief will always be there, but love will try to fill the hole grief created, starting to help you heal.

Ellie Farrell, Celebrant

Albert Gyorgy created the above sculpture to express how he felt in his grief after the death of his wife. Going about his day to day life without her made him feel like a void was within him, a void which couldn’t be filled by her loss. Many who are grieving resonate with the sculpture and express their appreciation for its portray of how grief makes them feel. Sitting alone, head slumped in grief, a huge empty void within them. It is a powerful and a sorrowful statue sitting by Lake Geneva in Switzerland.

When we are grieving, our lives change significantly and depending on how we cope with grief, our daily routines, including being able to do the jobs we do can have an effect on us. Those who are employed are usually allowed to take some time from work (depending on circumstances). Self-employed people and those working in the funeral industry might not be able to take time away from their jobs and roles when they are grieving. Working as a funeral celebrant when living with grief can be difficult. If we take too much time away from work, we might find we have been replaced by other celebrants as there are still ceremonies to create and lead.

The Role of a Funeral Celebrant

It is widely documented and expected the role of a funeral celebrant is to gather information from relatives, partners, friends, neighbours, colleagues or carers about a person who has died, and who a celebration of life ceremony is going to be created and narrated for. However, this is only part of the role of a funeral celebrant. A large part is to talk to those closest to the person a ceremony is to be held for. How we speak to people, the language we use, our acknowledgement of their grief and the understanding their lives won’t ever be the same again are central to the role of a funeral celebrant.

The role of a funeral celebrant is firstly one of empathy, compassion and respect, with an understanding of grief.

As funeral celebrants we are always aware the grief felt by those we are creating ceremonies for, (and experienced by those attending the ceremony) isn’t our grief. However, we are only human and there are many circumstances we experience when listening to grieving people or being in their presence which cause us to shed tears through empathy. Seeing the emotions and pain grief is causing others can trigger emotional reactions within the funeral celebrant. If it doesn’t and we become hardened to grief, is the role of funeral celebrant still a role we should continue with?

Living With Grief as a Funeral Celebrant

‘Grief is a journey, not a destination’ (unknown author) and there are many funeral celebrants on that journey. Working as a funeral celebrant when living with grief can be personally challenging. Grief doesn’t end or subside after a funeral; grief intensifies and mutates from day to day. It can creep up on us without warning, regardless of what job we do. For those working within the funeral business there will be situations when personal grief can suddenly appear when gathering information for a ceremony.

Triggers can include:
Smelling a perfume, aftershave or home fragrance
Animals
Flowers, books, films, tv programmes, music requests, poems, employment
Names
Birthdays or anniversaries
Hobbies
Relationships
Names
Circumstances of death
Happy memories
Holiday destinations
Décor or home furnishings
Ceremony venue or burial ground
Other reminders of those we love who are no longer physically within our lives

Music is something as funeral celebrants we have to try to desensitise to, especially if it was a favourite track or artist of somebody we love who has died, or it was played at their funeral. Many state by listening to it a few times before times before we lead a ceremony where it will be played will help, but this isn’t always useful. There are many people unable to cope with hearing a song which was played at a loved one’s funeral and many funeral celebrants experience the same.

Some funeral celebrants have expressed anxiety when meeting people to gather information caused by a fear of a certain music track being requested for that ceremony. Fear of having to play it, hear it and not burst into tears during it. How can we work as a funeral celebrant is we are anxious of such triggers? Here at Choice Celebrant Training, we support our Choice Community Celebrants who are experiencing this fear (and many others) with suggestions on how to cope.

How to Cope With Grief as a Funeral Celebrant

Many funeral celebrants have stated creating celebration of life ceremonies for people when trying to cope with their own grief is helpful. It gives them back the familiar routine which grief takes away. Helping others becomes a focus. This isn’t the same for all funeral celebrants.

Grief is different for everyone; personal, causing for some out of character responses or behaviour. It is essential funeral celebrants are taught about grief and the effects it has on people. Taking away their memory, showing them the world through a window of blurred vision as they are unable to focus on anything but the pain they are in through grief.

Grief is our silent, our invisible business partner.

Ellie Farrell

Grief makes those fortunate enough not to be living with it uncomfortable. ‘Sorry for your loss’, the most heard yet for many the most meaningless robotic statement said to grieving people. How to talk to those grieving and what we shouldn’t say should be part of every funeral celebrant training company’s course.

Funeral celebrant training should include information about grief. Here at Choice Celebrant Training, those who train with us to be funeral celebrants receive information, advice and support in all aspects of the role of a funeral celebrant, especially how to talk to grieving people. Speaking with grieving people isn’t given enough consideration in a lot of funeral celebrant training. This is why it is a central focus during our funeral celebrant training.

Working as a funeral celebrant when living with grief is without doubt challenging; funeral industry workers live with death. Going back to work when grieving doesn’t take our minds off our grief; it can heighten it by being with others grieving. But it can also give us a greater sense of empathy and compassion. It can dictate to us the words we say, command us to have greater understanding and guide us to create better ceremonies now we have a more accurate prospective on grief.